


Failure Value

by Michevalier



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS
Genre: But love is not only about cuddles and cuteness, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hotdogshipping, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Right?, Self-Indulgent shit, Shosaku, This not inherently romantic or anything, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, alcohol consumption, it is also another speculative fic of mine, or at least Yusaku tried..., so perhaps it's not a relaxing read for the sake of relaxing, sort of a fic written for the sake of author's venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-17 13:43:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13078089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michevalier/pseuds/Michevalier
Summary: For some time Shoichi had been dealing with his constant "rain clouds" in the least efficient way — by only flooding his already drowned soul with alcohol. But one day it had finally failed to go unnoticed by Yusaku...





	Failure Value

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that this fic is yet again containing angst... I just feel like it's hard for me not to put any in my works. Anyway, I'm not feeling very well morally right now... I just hope this fic is not too weird and/or obnoxious?? I just need to vent sometimes or I'll get flooded with all the negativity within me...
> 
> Yes, and it takes places shortly after Playmaker vs Akira duel when Shoichi got severely triggered by the latter one.

A sudden metalic sound of the truck’s doors being opened startled Kusanagi Shoichi even through the thick fog inside of his head. Yusaku looked at him sitting in front of the computers, or, rather, being spread out in his chair. The boy's gaze flickered towards an almost emptied bottle next to one of the monitors.

"Kusanagi-san..." Yusaku felt his chest being painfully crushed from inside at the sight of his friend with disheveled hair, rather unfocusing look and reddened face. Shoichi was obviously drunk.

"Aah!" his blood-shot eyes gleamed with insane glee as he pointed at the boy. "There you are, Justice-sama!"

"Hey, what's up with Kusanagi-chan?" Ai made a confused expression. "Why is he so weird?"

"Yeah-yeah," Shoichi ignored the question, cackling at the sight of flabbergasted Yusaku. "Hey, you there. Yes-yes, you, hero-sama. Tell me, am I a shit-shitty big bro? Y'all blame me too, ya?"

Yusaku's fingers nervously twitched before he clenched his fists.

His fears were confirmed.

Yusaku had always been suspecting that his friend was prone to drown his worries in alcohol, it's just that it was the first time when the boy managed to caught him red-handed, or, as rather in this case, red-faced.

Yes, instead of talking to Yusaku about his worries Shoichi was drinking, but, the worst part of it, it was the boy who was used to keeping the truth about his emotional state locked behind thousand locks inside himself, thus the two of them had never developed a habit of properly communicating.

"..No, I'm not," he sat on a chair next to the man and began talking, carefully choosing his words. "You are not at fault. You are not."

The boy didn't have to guess three times what caused Shoichi, the person who was nevertheless the closest to him, poison himself with alcohol.

"Zaizen had no intention of insulting you," Yusaku sighed, recalling his latest duel against Akira. "He never meant to insult anyone, it's... his life experience is just not like ours, that's all."

"Ya, he _definitely_ deserves the fucking Best-Big-Brother-Of-All-Times monument! He's such a goodie taking care of his sister all the time!"

As he basically spitted those acrid-tasted words Shoichi reached for the bottle and swallowed the remains of its contents in one greedy gulp.

"Ghe..." he grimaced as the bitter liquid burned his throat. "He must be happy, he's able to have peace on his mind, knowing his lil' sis is safe and sound. No one is blaming him that he is a total failure as a big bro. ...Unlike certain jerk here."

Unpleasant tingling appeared in Yusaku's chest, lots of unsettling emotions began swelling inside as he watched his friend... no, actually, _more_ than friend looking so miserable. The titanic weight of guilt was invisibly hovering above Shoichi's head, forcing him to lean forward and press his forehead against the console.

"I... didn't mean it," the man pressed his head with his palms in tight grasp as he slowly shook his head. "Jin and I... it was just a small childish quarrel over some trifle, I can't even remember what was that all about. I left Jin behind and went away... but when I came back, he was no longer there. I kept looking... looking and looking for him, until the very evening. Jin was gone... gone because I looked away, because I left him all alone in the face of danger. I... big brother wasn't keeping a close eye on him, so those bastards took him away right during the light of day."

Self-hatred akin to crimson fire veil burned Shoichi's head, making his vision go bloody as he began scratching his head like crazy, messing even worse and almost pulling out his own hair.

"Failure, failure..!" his speech turned into barely coherent rambling. "This is what the Kusanagi Shoichi fella here's! Lil' brat who let shit happen to his lil' bro! Such shit that everyone hated me ever since! My... my own mother barely hides how much she despises me! If it wasn't for my carelessness, she wouldn't have been forced to take such heavy burden as a mentally broken child! And she has been carrying it all alone ever since our shit dad broke down and ran away with some slut, claiming that he wanted no business with that "psycho brat", his own son at that!"

Yusaku's heart painfully clenched. He knew that Shoichi's parents broke up at some point, but he had no idea about these details as the man would never talk about it more than just briefly mentioning the fact of divorce. And now the boy could understand more why Shoichi's smile when he talked about his family was so unbearably bitter and fake.

_And, not having a family himself, Yusaku was unable to fully sympathize with Jin who aside from the incident had to experience the severe betrayal by his own parent..._

"Our mom has been working three jobs," Shoichi furrowed his brows as moisture accumulated in the corners of his eyes. "And even though father is forced by court's decision to pay alimony while Jin is still a minor, it's all useless. Neither the most expensive therapy nor the most "effective" medication can drag my bro out of his darkness... No, he was never rescued from that incident. He's not even a human anymore... just a fucking broken shell of one!!"

Yusaku gasped and recoiled as Shoichi began slamming his fist hard against the console.

"C-curse! Curse..!" the man's face turned dangerously crimson as rivers of tears were flowing down his cheeks, he could hardly speak through heart-wrenching sobbing, sniffing and hiccups. "Tho-those Hanoi f-fuckers..!! W-why... Why the hell d-did they... have t-to pry into our f-family?! Ruin... everything?! D-do th-they think it's okay to t-tamper with a h-human's... ch-children's lives?! D-do they think this is a j-joke?!"

Shoichi's breathing grew erratic as he was now hyperventilating, making Yusaku move closer and carefully raise his hands in order to touch the man's shoulders.

"Ne-neither Jin nor I had what one m-may call a "n-normal" childhood," Shoichi took a deep breath, but he was still unable to speak properly as he sobbed and wheezed. "I... I was never able to interact with my bro the way we used to... Jin became more akin to a doll rather than a human, he only keeps staring into imaginary spot in front of him with those glassy... dead eyes of his! He neither moves, spending whole days like a stone statue, he prefers hiding in shadows, in corners of his ward instead of looking up and reaching for sunlight... I don't even dare to speak about how he is unable to socialize..! Jin is paranoid and scared of everything and everyone... including me."

Shoichi sniffled and messily rubbed his face when Yusaku gently put his hands on his shoulders.

"There is no need to blame yourself this much," the boy said quietly. "It's impossible to change what already happened. The most important is that you're currently fighting for your brother's sake."

Suddenly, Shoichi snorted and cracked up, having made Yusaku unwillingly shudder.

"Fighting? Me?!" it was no longer clear whether he was crying from grief or laughter. "I think you're kinda mistaken here, hero-sama! All _I_ do is sitting my ass on this fucking chair and do lots of boring shit. You're the one who actually gets to kick those Hanoi asses! Heh... if only _I_ were a better duelist... As it is now, I'm only using you, basically."

"You're not," Yusaku frowned and looked to the side. "I've been always telling you this. I wouldn't have come this far without you, you "sitting your ass and doing lots of boring shit" helps out me a lot, I cannot even properly express how much I appreciate having you by my side."

"Hehe... You're one pitiful soul," Shoichi smiled a bitter crooked smile. "But hey? Do you think if we slaughter every last one of those Hanoi scums, Jin will get out of his shell? Be freed from his darkness?"

Something about these words made Yusaku tense up internally.

_Did Shoichi ever use the word "slaughter" in context of defeating Hanoi?_

"The Lost Incident was carelessly swept under rug," the man's face darkened. "The perpetrators... those sons of bitches who tortured and crippled Jin were never caught, never held responsible... and I'm nothing but a failure who can only do as much as whine... Pfff... A grown-ass man..!"

Before Yusaku could think of anything to answer, Shoichi's eyelids grew heavy and his consciousness began rapidly fading away.

"Is there... hic!" the man's hiccup was so strong that his stomach almost did a flip. "...any value to such a failure as I am..?"

Yusaku barely opened his mouth for a reply, but exhausted from alcohol and heartache Shoichi had already fallen into grim slumber.

The boy could do nothing but sigh heavily and go put together the man's cot, making sure that his rest would be as comfortable as possible. As it was done Yusaku threw Shoichi's arm over his shoulders and got him up, carefully leading and laying him down on the cot. Having gently tucked him into blanket, the boy sat down on his knees and silently stared at the man's face that was now turning from a deep shade of crimson into chalky white. Lots of heavy thoughts were swarming in Yusaku's head as his heart felt painfully squeezed in his chest.

"Kusanagi-san..."

This was actually the first time when Yusaku got to take such a deep look into his heart. Shoichi had always been that kind of person who would hide their worries behind the cheerful, happy-go-lucky facade... even though they were actually dying inside.

This feeling was something that Yusaku, not having a family of his own, had no way to understand... and that was breaking him apart.

Kinda painfully to admit but Yusaku _was_ engaging in the fight against the Knights of Hanoi mostly for his own sake. Even if one of his objectives was to get information and help that one _**mysterious**_ person who supported him during those _six_ horrific _months_ , it was still only a ** _phantom_** of what Shoichi had to go through _every single day_ since the incident had supposedly ended.

Yusaku wasn't forced to have a dear person being abruptly taken away from him.

Yusaku wasn't forced to witness the dear person's mental downfall and, basically, internal dying.

Yusaku didn't have to bear with not being able to reach for the dear person even if he could easily touch their cheek.

Yusaku didn't have to go to bed with the cursed knowledge that miracles do not exist and his dear person who never smiled _in years_ would suddenly grant him with that.

Yusaku didn't have to live, knowing that everything could have been different, better, if only had he made the right choices (like not leaving his dear person behind)...

Yusaku wasn't forced to live with the burden of guilt that **_his dear one's_**  life could have been unintentionally ruined by **_him_**.

That's right.

The sum of those facts were enough to emphasize the difference between his and Shoichi's experiences.

 _And yet_...

"Hey, Yusaku-chan?" Ai blinked, watching the boy get up and look around the truck. "What are you doing?"

Yusaku denied him any sort of reply as he kept on, as it seemed, searching for something under the cupboard, under the stand's counter, in boxes all around the inside of the truck. Soon, the boy had found what he had been apparently looking for as he took two bottles of sake out of one of the boxes.

"Oh my!" the Ignis cried in feigned shock. "But this is so harmful to a person's health!"

Yusaku didn't say anything, only gave the annoying AI a sullen look.

Honestly, ignorance could be such bless at times like this!

Yusaku almost envied that non-truly sentient Ai had very limited knowledge about "healthy" and "unhealthy" coping mechanisms.

_Yeah... and by all means Ai couldn't have possibly feel self-loathing for letting someone precious to him go for the latter one in search of at least artificially induced comfort and reassurance._

"Kusanagi-san won't..." having taken a trash bag, Yusaku said in a quiet voice. "...ever drink it again."

Ai gasped as the bottles was roughly thrown in the said bag and the boy whispered, his face hidden in heavy shadows of his bangs:

"Because _I_ 'll be his coping mechanism."

"Eh?" the AI tilted his head in confusion, but Yusaku was no longer paying him any attention.

The boy went out of the truck to dispose the alcohol into a nearby trash bin and as he returned there was nothing more important to him than sleeping Shoichi. Multiple pangs were stabbing Yusaku's heart as he was kneeling beside the man once again and, having hesitated for awhile before, awkwardly stroked his still moist from tears cheeks, ran his fingers through messy purple hair.

Yes. That must have been a weird way to phrase that but Yusaku _was_ serious about becoming Shoichi's coping mechanism... though he wasn't yet entirely sure whether "healthy" or the opposite. The only thing the boy was certain about was that he wouldn't let Shoichi resort to alcohol as such a kind-heartened man who always granted him unconditional warmth and fuzziness never deserved to ruin himself with his own hands. There was no way alcohol could have been a proper remedy against depression...

Suddenly, Yusaku let out a quiet gasp as the realization struck him hard.

"Shoichi-san..." 

The boy couldn't help but call out the man's name, even though he wouldn't hear it through the thick dark fog of alcohol induced dreamless sleep.

"Shoichi-san," Yusaku whispered and gently put his hand on top of his. "Is that why... Is that why you care for me so much? Strive to see me smile..?"

A large teardrop fell onto the man's hand.

"...You're pressured by your guilt to the point you don't care about yourself?"

It was way too hard for Yusaku to speak as his voice was uncontrollably shaking, and yet he only squeezed Shoichi's hand tighter in his grasp.

That's right. How could Yusaku just overlook something that was right there, so vividly in front of his very eyes?

Shoichi who would always give Yusaku free hotdogs and drinks despite it being not exactly efficient for his business as his customers rate was rather unstable most of the time.

Shoichi who would always help to pay Yusaku's rent and fees despite having no actual reason to do so for the boy who was in no way related to him.

Shoichi who would always put a weary smile on his face just to not let Yusaku feel even more burden than he already had on his fragile shoulders.

Shoichi who would always stay up for almost entire nights just to get rid of any trails that could have possibly led to Playmaker's true identity and then get those horrible bags under his eyes.

Shoichi who would always keep his phone on and his truck opened so that Yusaku could call him at 2 or 3 A.M and come to have some sleep next to him, yes, the boy never experienced the nightmares that were plaguing his mind when Shoichi was around...

Ah... There were simply too many things Yusaku could think of about Shoichi's always being there for him, and yet...

"Shoichi-san..." Yusaku sighed heavily and idly put his head on the man's chest. "Forgive me."

" _I guess someone as broken as I am is not exactly qualified to be your "coping mechanism" in its proper meaning._ "

"I'm sorry..." the boy closed his eyes, listening to the now relatively stable pace of Shoichi's breathing. "I'm probably not the wisest person nor a qualified therapist... the only thing I can say is that you can always cry in my presence, tell me if anything hurts or bothers you... just talk to me, please?"

" _I, in return, will do my best to keep my heart open for you.._."

"If... if I still sound unconvincing..." Yusaku's hand clutched the man's one tightly. "Please, I just want you to know... you're not a failure, you're not a burden, you're valuable and precious, you're what matters... and I love you."

**_Love_.**

Yusaku had a poor idea of what was he trying to achieve, what kind of meaning he was putting in this "love" of his, it's just that he couldn't help it as he leaned closer to the corners of Shoichi's dry and bitter from alcohol lips and planted a soft lingering kiss.

" _We'll make it through somehow, you and I, together,_ " the boy thought, feeling severe drowsiness overcoming his mind as he rested his head on top of Shoichi's chest again.

"You may always count on me, Shoichi-san..." Yusaku mumbled, gradually falling asleep. And he didn't mean it as simply as a capable "dueling-against-Hanoi-unit".

An eerie "To Be Continued?" was glowing alarmingly red at the ignited horizon of the new day, but... it was still better to face it while embracing someone close to you rather than a bottle of alcohol... isn't it?


End file.
